CARPET TILES

The redundancy scheme
Was linked to his salary;
A good few bob
A chance to set upon his own.
And they'd make a good team,
Raymond and Valerie.
He’d do the job,
She’d do the books and man the phone.
They made wonderful plans.
Took a lock-up garage,
Filled it to the doors
With bankrupt stock they bought at auction.
They had a nice Luton van.
On each side written quite large,
It said ‘RayVal Floors.
You've seen the rest, but we're the best...

For Carpet Tiles.
Estimates free for our Carpet Tiles,
Hard-wearing Wiltons in several styles.
No VAT on our Carpet Tiles.
From ten pounds a metre.’

He’s a nice little chap
And he’s doing his best,
Working late each night
But orders just aren’t coming through.
Val sits on his lap
She says ‘Don’t get depressed,
It will be all right,
‘Cos I believe in you...

And in those Carpet Tiles;
People will always need Carpet Tiles.’
Now look at him go; he’s all teeth and smiles.
He’s going to sell you some Carpet Tiles,
For eight pounds a metre.

He jokes about sales staying on the floor
But the house is security
On the loan;
The ‘Caring Bank took care of that..
And when he asks them for more
They demand a fresh guarantee.
What else do you own?
Then they wonder what he’s laughing at.

He says ‘Carpet Tiles
All I’ve got left is the Carpet Tiles.
Take some of them, I’ve got miles and miles;
Carpet the whole bleeding British Isles
At five pounds a metre.’

He thinks of Val’s face
And he gets out the file
The one on insurance.
He reads through the Policy
Three o’clock in the morning
He gets in the van.
He drives to the lock-up
He takes out the matches...

Messrs Jobson and Lock
Licensed Valuers and Auctioneers,
Suggest our sale
For business opportunities.
We have fire damaged stock
Just perfect for new careers.
You couldn’t fail
With Lot 13 for instance which is...

Carpet Tiles,
Two metric tons of new Carpet Tiles
Early inspection would be worthwhile;
Executive quality Carpet Tiles
Worth twelve pounds a metre.
Carpet Tiles,
Simple to lay and so versatile
Featuring guaranteed flame-proof pile.
Now what am I bid for these Carpet Tiles?
Can I hear two pounds a metre?